Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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