At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
