At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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