The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
