Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
