after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
