does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
