When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
