Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
