i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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