Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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