Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
