I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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