So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
