Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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