Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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