I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
