Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
