Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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