Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
