I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
