Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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