I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
