just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
