I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
