your thong is hanging out like whoa
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
