I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
