i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
