Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
