He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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