im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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