Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
there is glitter all over my balls
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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