I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
