I cockslap morals
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
