i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
