remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
