Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
