my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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