mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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