I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
