My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
