I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize