grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
