Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize