i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
