walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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