sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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