The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
