at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize