Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We had sex on a dog bed..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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