Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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