you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
