I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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