Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If I die, sorry about rent.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
