Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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