Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
