The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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