I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
