Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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