Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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